A Guide to Sexual Philanthropy

Another Valentine’s day has come and gone. Despite the obviously sappy connotations, over-priced flowers and copious amount of candy hearts I happen to love valentine’s day.

Admittedly if I were to be in a relationship right now I’d certainly had to have been tricked, but aside from that, I’m notorious for abandoning all responsibilities for a brief moment of passion. Therefore any holiday that celebrates romance and encourages crack-pot love affairs is a-ok to me.

Perhaps you’re not into the sappy stuff? Or maybe you’re against the commercialism aspect? At the very least Valentine’s could be a day that spurs you to challenge your assumptions about love, sex and relationships.

During the course of the day I ran into a friend who was telling me about his newly-vowed dedication to being a socially-conscious member of the community and all around good citizen of the Earth—essentially pay more attention to his recycling and composting habits, eat only locavorious and/or organic foods , volunteer a minimum of 5 hours a week and  march in at least one protest this year.  Good on him, I thought. But what was missing in all of this do-gooding were charitable acts to help the future of fucking. Maybe it was the love in the air but I thought it was imperative to add a dimension of sexuality to one’s daily dose of charitable acts –it’s one thing to be sex-positive but another to act sex-positive, right?

So, I slapped together this little guide to sexual philanthropy. Applying any and all of them do require a sense of humor and levity…and perhaps a mischevious grin. If you have any other suggestions on how to be sexually philanthropic, I’d love to hear them!

A Guide to Sexual Philanthropy 

1. If you find yourself staying at a hotel and there is a bible in the bedside table, replace the bible with a few condoms. God is fine for some but he won’t protect against chylamidia.

2. Don’t bother with posing or facial expressions. Now is not the time. If you’re focusing on your face, you’re not focusing on what you’re doing. You can make cutey pouty faces in the mirror later. Respect your partner’s time. Refrain from the Alba Emoting lesson and leave your vanity at the door.   

3. Stop buying cosmo mag. Seriously stop. It’s as grotesque as it is tragic. I’m sure it made sense to many impressionable female minds at some point but not any longer. Even the headlines “sex boosters” “turn-on tricks” “flirty lashes” inspire a bout of dry-heaving. Subscribing to this magazine  is like attending a gynecological conference without the brains or knowledge to back it up. Until cosmo starts offering advice like Cosmo Sex tip #666, when he’s least expecting it, carve a pentagram in his chest and begin summoning satan do not purchase.

4. Don’t refer to things you think are weird or bad as “gay.” You may not be a homophobe but you’re associating negativity with the word “gay.” Not cool.

5. *Romance is certainly not dead. It’s just hooked up to a respirator, feeds through an IV and pisses in a tube. Romance may appear unaware of what ‘s going on, but really it’s in a state of what medical professionals call “locked-in syndrome”—it can’t move or speak without assistance. But romance isn’t dead. It can hear the beeps of the machine sitting next to it and romance feels alone. Romance waits for someone to sit next to it. You should be that person.

6. When sitting in a café sometimes it’s alright to slightly turn up the volume on the conversation you are having with your friend about the guy who likes a slip of a whip over his bottom.....or another other sexually-charged narrative you're recounting. We whine and complain about getting dumped or going on dates enough in public, we might as well give eavesdroppers an interesting story once in a while too.

7. Give sex-positive gifts to friends --and not just the ones you want to get down with. Buy gift certificates to local sexy stores (Ottawa: VenusEnvy) that have more than just lube and stuff. They sell erotica from local writers and artists, as well as hold classes and informational events for people of all interests. Buy the people in your life gifts that are both educational and incite in them a need for adventure. 

8. Girls can fake an orgasm. But guys can fake a whole relationship. It’s best just to be honest and upfront about everything.

9. Don’t assume that just because someone is conservative (especially in this government town) that they are the same way in the bedroom.

*Romance and sex and two very different things and they can help one another out once in a while. Not always the case, but romance and sex should at times overlap.