For the last 36 hours I have been hibernating in a nest I’ve made with all the pillows and sheets on my bed, battling some version of the flu.
I have been wearing my robe, Big Lebowski-style, like a uniform and I can positively say, it doesn’t look like it will be coming off any time soon. I have been in and out of sleep, mostly just shutting my eyes and pretending, while trying to convince the whirling of my brain to stop and my body to feel better.
I have some truths dizzying up my mind that I just can’t shake and I am hoping by spitting them out right now, I can finally find some solid ground and I can get some rest.
1. I’m awful at goodbyes and I don’t think this will ever change.
2. I think about my grandma everyday and feel regretful everyday that I was the one that stopped our writing correspondence.
3. I don’t feel guilty for owning over 50 pairs of shoes and no toaster
4. This summer I’ve met someone, my little destructo twin, who might be the one person who I have the purest and most honest relationship with
5. I am going through a sad, sad case of writer’s block and I feel debilitated by it
6. If you catch me laying outside, in my neighborhood, in the middle of the night, I may laugh it off or pretend to be drunk or silly, but really I am not drunk or laughing. I need the world to put me in my place sometimes and I don’t want you to think I’m nuts.
As Frank O’Hara most eloquently wrote:
Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastroph of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting and modern…
Here’s hoping this gesture of exposure clears my head and makes sleep attainable.
Ok, well, signing out from the nest for today.