Change is probably one of the hardest things to implement in one’s life because it takes courage, effort and endurance. It isn’t just a matter of putting left foot in front of right, it’s making the conscience decision to put the left in front of the right every time--so it's very easy to slip up or give up.
I've always felt that as an artist, or anyone working in a creative field, it's part of the job to be in and out of an unsatisfied state, and to constantly make changes, in some way or another, to grapple with the space between fulfillment and angst.
....but before I continue my ranty speech allow me to rewind a bit....
I left my job yesterday. Not a big deal except I loved my job, I loved the company I was part of, I loved my boss and all my colleagues. I spent the last year and a half involved in some fantastic projects on behave of an incredible organization . And I was actually writing. For any of you reading this who are also writers, getting people to pay you in things other than favours to write for them is not always easy. But regardless of all of this, there was something important missing and there had been for a long time--I couldn't bear to settle with longing for the unknown any more.
I've always felt like I've been one of those heroines too high strung for a normal* (*read: steady, stable, fixed) existence so now that the cord that tied me to some semblance of a structured life has been cut, the world is, as they say, my oyster. I have no plans at all. In fact I have no idea what I want, I only know what I don't want--and the things I don't want are to feel too comfortable and too complacent. Reaching a sense of satisfaction is like reaching a state of happiness--you get there and then what? As scary and exciting as it is to tear life up without having any idea of what to do with the pieces, I'm strangely comforted by the fact that I haven't stopped looking for something different. Something more.